sell your soul | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

Last weekend, in a cafe, a man with snake eyes and a smell like burnt matches approached me and offered me a single wish in exchange for my soul. He seemed willing enough to wait and even encouraged me to research. After having done so, it seems like giving up my soul can lead to a lot of different possibilities, including nothing, psychopathy, ten years of enjoyment before death, eternal punishment, or even Faustian games that manipulate exact words to make life a living hell before claiming me for eternal punishment.

My question is this: what would you recommend I wish for?

Wishing in Wyoming

Wishing,

Wish for two wishes. Then wish for a trillion dollars. Then wish for the 1877 Coca-Cola bottle. He’ll have to give it to you. If he tries to say that he needs to go get it, don’t let him. He will absolutely have it on his person.

Now you’re a trillionaire AND you have the 1877 Coca-Cola bottle. Sometimes the key to success lies in specificity.

Alistair

P.S. Oh! Almost forgot. The 1877 Coca-Cola bottle has your soul in it. And the other souls that he’s been collecting all these years. Just break it. There’s a chance that one of the other myriad souls that escapes will decide to take up residence in your soulless body, but your soul will probably beat them to it because it knows the way in.

Alistair,

I recently spoke with a man who claimed to be a door-to-door phone service salesman. Once I signed the contract, however, I found out that I had signed away my soul as part of the contract. Unfortunately, the service is fantastic so I don’t want to get out of the contract wholesale. Any advice for just the soul clause?

Hearing You Now in Kassel

Hearing You,

The short answer is No. This door-to-door salesman was never that interested in providing you with a phone service so much as he was keen on getting his hands on your soul. Your question is as silly as asking if there’s a way to get a regular service provider to give you four bars without the unpleasantness of having to pay phone bills. The answer, in most cases, is just simply No.

All that said, a regular phone provider doesn’t particularly care where you got the money with which you pay your bill. They don’t care, for example, if it’s even your money. They simply don’t ask questions as long as the bill is paid. You feel me?

Alistair