Write to Alistair with your own questions or concerns Here. See The Fine Print page for terms on submissions.
Thrifty
Alistair,
I got an offer for a credit card that offers rewards points; for every set number of points, I can exchange it either for free airline miles or for minutes taken out of Purgatory at the end of my life. Is this a scam? If it isn’t, how can I best work the system?
Thrifty in New Orleans
Thrifty,
I need more information about you personally to answer this exactly. Working the system is simple because value systems dictate strong value disparity between the point systems available. Some people are going to strongly value the Painless Minute Points while others are going to strongly prefer the airline miles. So depending on where you fall, you can do one of two things.
a. Collect PMPs and sell them at an exorbitant rate in exchange for airline miles
b. Collect airline miles by the many different means available in our credit economy and exchange those for your PMPs
Alistair
Nosy
Alistair,
I just started a new job. It’s OK, nothing really stunning. The coworkers are friendly, the benefits are OK, and the basement is absolutely off-limits. This was made excessively clear to me in training, as it was repeated something like eight times in the first day. Since then, I’ve seen smoke pouring out from beneath the basement door, lights that flash, and a sound like cinder blocks being dragged across the floor. Should I be concerned?
Nosy on the Island
Nosy,
No, because the coworkers are friendly and the benefits are OK. In this age and economy, that’s reason enough to ignore any number of smoke-emitting, light-flashing, noise-making basements. Seriously, all three of those issues can be caused by nothing more concerning than the building being heated by an old-fashioned furnace – an old-fashioned furnace that runs on cinder blocks. What you don’t know might hurt you but might not. Get back to me if you notice anything actually worrying, like a really strong whiff of bananas for no apparent reason. If there’s smoke, lights, dragging noises and inexplicable banana smells, get the hell out of there.
Alistair
Missing
Alistair,
A while ago, I accepted an invitation to join a small group of men seeking to be elevated to the status of divine. As one of the requirements, I was to renounce mortal pleasure. I’m starting to rethink that, though, as there’s a few mortal pleasures that I really underestimated. What’s the best way to decide, especially given that I’ll have to spend the rest of my life on the run from the brotherhood?
Missing Life in Bangkok
Missing,
The key here is: what mortal pleasures are you missing? Is it love? Because believe me, that’s not worth falling out of the ascension bandwagon. If, on the other hand, what you miss is canned whipped cream, let’s be perfectly honest: What’s the point in living forever if you’re forbidden the pleasure of a sugar coma?
Alistair
P.S. I recommend avoiding sugar comas while you’re on the run. Secretive brotherhoods are notorious for showing up at inopportune times.
Chocolate and Roses
Alistair,
I’m in love with a really great girl. She’s sweet, funny and undead. Not like vampire-undead…. she’s a zombie. My question is, how does one woo a zombie?
Chocolate and Roses in Bangkok
Chocolate and Roses,
Zombies are among the few humans who truly like you for your brains. In severe cases of zombic decay, this manifests in the zombie’s desire to break your head open like a little melon and snack on your actual brain matter. In cases of minimal zombic decay, you’re basically dealing with a dead human who might as well be alive for all the difference it makes… except that they still like brains. Fortunately, they like them more in a attracted-to-intelligence sort of way rather than the going-to-kill-and-eat-you sort of way.
So until you figure out what sort of zombie you’re in love with, try your best to always look and sound clever while keeping a baseball bat handy.
Alistair
Feeling Futile
Alistair,
I’ve been condemned to rolling a boulder to the top of a hill. Every time I get this boulder to the top of the hill, it rolls back down again. What’s the big idea?
Feeling Futile in Corinth
Feeling Futile,
Stop asking me this.
Alistair
Loyal
Alistair,
I am head of Security for a specific and ruthless royal family. The family’s prize winning and much-loved pedigreed Great Dane has been taken by a group of revolutionaries and is being held in demand for a large number of social reforms, including the immediate dissolution of the token powers still held by the family. Given that my duty is to maintain the integrity of the royal household first and foremost, I am prepared to make a deal with any given entity to recover Malamutt. I am not, however, willing to make an unnecessarily bad deal. When making a soul-scarring deal, what are the standard precautions to be taken?
Loyal in South Moldova
Loyal,
That’s the kind of dedicated, can-do attitude that you really don’t find around anymore. Of course, you don’t find it because everyone who cops it tends to actually be the first against the wall when the revolution comes.
Other than that, your standard precautions apply: Make sure your face, brain, and unmentionables remain intact. And as often as possible, try to make the deal someone else’s problem. It will inevitably bite you later, but it’s good form.
Alistair
Summoning
Alistair,
I’ve got a bad habit of mowing more or less randomly, instead of in straight lines. Last Sunday, I accidentally opened some sort of portal, and a bunch of things came out. They kind of looked like people on horses, but bigger, and with banner things coming off of them, and they screamed so loud they shattered every piece of glass in the neighborhood. That includes, it turns out, glasses, spark plugs, light bulbs, and watch faces. The neighbors are all annoyed, especially since the things are staying in the area and hunting the pedestrians for sport. Any advice on how to make amends?
Summoning in Seattle
Summoning,
First of all, promise to never do it again. That should be a source of some relief. Also, buy snacks and useful gift cards for survivors of The Hunt. When they see you serving them like that, then they’ll really know you didn’t mean for this to happen. Especially if you fall Prey while going door-to-door with your gift baskets. I mean, rough conclusion but amends would be made.
Alistair
Sixth Ranger
Alistair,
I’m a sleeper agent assigned to break into a top secret NGO. Turns out it’s actually a bunch of ragtag friends trying to take on the world with nothing but pluck and courage. I’m genuinely befriending a few of them, and possibly even more with one. How do I balance this newfound work/life balance?
The Sixth Ranger in [EXPUNGED]
Sixth Ranger,
It’s famously difficult to serve two masters. A lot of people have commented on the struggle.
The pipe dream here would be that you somehow make your precious friends and their cause indispensable to your original employer so that they all find themselves working together toward a shared goal, with you remaining a member of that merry band as a liaison. Like I said, pipe dream right there.
There’s a 98% chance that you’ll have to choose either your government or your friends while betraying the other. There’s a 1.956% chance that both sides have already figured out that your loyalties are split and are just trying to see how much use they can get out of you before burning you.
So either hold out hope for that .044% chance pipe dream or… do your dang job.
Alistair
Picky
Alistair,
Is there a way to put in requests for what kind of undead you’d like to be?
Picky People Eater in Kailua
Picky,
Yes, there absolutely are a number of forms to be filled out, though a lot of them involve stacking bones and lighting things on fire. Don’t count on anyone paying attention to them, however. Not only is there a very long waiting list for the preferred forms of undead (generally: sentient, at least marginally powerful, inhumanly attractive and typically benevolent), but the entities in charge of the assignment rarely take them into account. When they do, there’s a very high likelihood that they will instead shuttle you to the most similar form currently short-stocked, which may or may not have the specific traits that you were interested in. As with most things, your best bet is to try to put in a good word with someone in a clerical position and see if they’ll pull some strings. It’s practically guaranteed not to work, but the word ‘practically’ is included, so it’s at least worth a shot.
Alistair
Small God
Alistair,
I’ve found and conducted an ascension rite, elevating me to the status of a deity. It turns out, though, that taking proper precautions waters down the effect. Rather than being a physical avatar of some universal constant, it turns out that I’m all-powerful only as long as I’m affecting the third copy of forms printed in triplicate.
Now what?
Small God in Quebec
Small God,
Well, as far as human beings go, you do have a superpower, so that puts you in the 4% of humans who can do physically impossible crap… it makes you special. However, you aren’t human anymore. You’re a deity. As deities go, you suck. Not only are your powers fairly limited, but with the rapidly digitizing trend of our increasingly paperless world, your powers are only going to decrease in scope of usefulness.
Here’s the pro tip. Don’t tell anyone you’re a god. Just be a human who has a cool talent. The people who care what happens on the third copy of forms printed in triplicate will find you quite impressive.
Alistair
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