Granddad passed away a month ago. The funeral was two weeks ago. During the  funeral, he woke up. We were all surprised. For a while, everyone was happy that he’s back but… I’ve started noticing a few things – tics he didn’t have before; he never, ever sleeps; he doesn’t eat, he just pretends to; he orders weird stuff online, then takes it into the  basement and locks the door; animals run away and babies cry whenever he’s around. 

So, do I just buy him a welcome-home/birthday gift kind of deal, or what? 

Devoted Grandson in Dudley 


Congratulations. You have been honoured with meeting the first of the next-gen zombie prototypes. As you can see, he is far less obvious and stupid than any zombie created to date. This has been accomplished by infecting him with a genetically-engineered zombie virus prior to his death that politely lies dormant until the host body has ceased to possess original life and does not immediately require feeding. Do not kill Granddad, or everybody will think you a sick, heinous murderer and you will be executed for your trouble. While you no doubt have a plenitude of questions at this point, I will merely answer the one question you have already provided: Unlike with the truly living, the thought is not what counts with the zombic. If it’s not something he can eat or otherwise enjoy, do not bother. Strictly sentimental gifts will not impact him the way that they’re intended to. As with most creatures of the Granddad variety, a selection of woodworking tools is your best bet.




Here in Boston we have a zombie run every November. It’s a geeky, cultural thing.  Good fun. Last weekend, though, one of the cosplayers actually bit me. I would have just told him off (I don’t actually participate), but he fell over and… well, sort of fell apart right there. What’s the proper etiquette when you’ve been bitten? 

Hungry in Boston


The first thing every successful zombie must do is consume the Powermeat, also known as the frontal lobe of your brain. Perform a self-induced lobotomy and eat the fuel for your apocalypse. 




If zombies existed, would they even be violent? What about dead people is inherently violent? Do you think there would be a social stigma? Would they be considered a minority group? Just trying to get some insight on what would be most likely to unfold if we could bring people back from the dead.

Thinking in Punxsutawney