Category Archives: The Ask Alistair Letters

And here you will find the greatest Q&A of all time.

Paris

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Alistair,

I’ve been asked to make a judgment between three faerie queens. They each want me to choose which of them is the fairest of all. Not going to lie, they’re all pretty hot. I know how this goes, though. How do I pick without getting myself screwed over?

Paris in Paris

Paris,

Proceed with caution, but take heart; there is actually a right answer here.

Firstly, there are not any three faerie queens actively in power at present, so right from the get-go you need to be aware that you are probably experiencing this choice while under the influence of a fae illusion.

Your choice is not to do with actual beauty, it’s to do with deciding which of the three is the actual fae queen and which of them are impostors. The fae are impish, but they are also deeply vain. The queen is primarily enjoying the sight of you sweating over which of them is most beautiful, but if you choose incorrectly, you will trigger a petty response from her hurt vanity.

So. You need to respond with a series of tests to expose the false queens. Rank and file fae have only a limited range of powers whereas queens are borderline minor deities. Some classic tests would be asking them to shapeshift into a noble form (the stag, the horse, the leopard or the platypus); asking them to summon the most disobedient of the fae (the gremlin); or asking them to make an Irish meal without potatoes. 

Alistair

Who

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Alistair,

What am I? I awoke in a crater, with no memory of where I’m from or how I came to be just outside a small Scandinavian town. Through the course of events, I’ve found out that I seem to be both impervious to damage (car crashes, falling from great heights, small arms fire) and have incredible strength. I accidentally threw a motorcycle through a brick wall. There are government agents very interested in getting hold of me, and I’m not sure what to do. I beg you, Alistair, advise me.

Who in Oslo

Who,

You seem to have had a busy short while; most people who are impervious to small arms fire never have occasion to discover this, let alone falling from great heights and car accidents. It’s likely that these government agents are not as interested in your personal abilities as they are interested in the fact that you seem to be a highly accident-prone individual. Try taking up dancing (solo, not ballroom, unless you find an exceptionally durable partner).

Anyway, you’re probably an alien or an experiment. Maybe a mutant. Who cares, in the end? Make yourself what you will be. And get a medical checkup.

Alistair

Prophetic

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Alistair,

I was contacted by an alien, someone with a green tint to the skin and technology that absolutely looked like magic. He told me that he was, among other things, the loose inspiration for the god known as Zeus. Shortly after that, I was contacted by an older man who looked like a wisp of fabric who said he was Zeus. And then a twelve foot tall giant who said he was Zeus. They all want me to take some sort of job promoting them, but I honestly don’t know who to go with, if any. Any advice for getting the real Zeus to stand up?

Prophetic in Georgia

Prophetic,

None of them are the real Zeus. Just trust me.

Approach their offers as you would any other set of job offers; compare compensation, perks and job satisfaction.

Alistair

Thinking

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Alistair,

If zombies existed, would they even be violent? What about dead people is inherently violent? Do you think there would be a social stigma? Would they be considered a minority group? Just trying to get some insight on what would be most likely to unfold if we could bring people back from the dead.

Thinking in Punxsutawney

Thinking,

“If”?

Alistair

Feathered Quartet

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Alistair,

I just walked into my house and found my four Parakeets at the piano playing Bach’s Italian Concerto together. We shared a long look and I retired to my bedroom in confusion. I could hear hushed tweeting coming from my living room. They have now resumed the concerto. They have obviously practiced a lot and have gotten quite good.

I want to know what is going on here but I don’t want to discourage their playing. How should I approach this situation? Is it possible my cat has hidden talents as well?

Feathered Quartet in Utah

Feathered Quartet,

Encourage as you would any other talent: honestly appreciate it for what it is. Namely, four parakeets hammering out a tune definitely meant to be played by more than twice that many, given that they’re presumably using their beaks and the music was written for performance by ten fingers. Don’t coddle them, however. The best artists have their starving period (though given that these are parakeets, this starving period should be heavily abbreviated).

Your cat almost certainly has no hidden talents. Cats never have anything to gain from hiding a talent. It isn’t an ego thing; the psyche of cats has no room for ego, id, or any of the other numerous psychological bits and pieces normally residing there.

Alistair

Futuristic

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Alistair,

I woke up a week ago with a Heads up Display constantly in my line of sight, determining threats and reading heart rates and showing me a minimap. It’s handy, but it’s tagging threats from people I’ve never seen before. Well, specifically, it’s tagging Enemies. I don’t remember meeting any of them, and I definitely don’t know where the HUD came from. Are they connected?

Futuristic in New York

Futuristic,

There should be a toll free number in the lower left corner of your HUD when you close your eyes. Call that number and ask to be put in touch with your designated Alpha. I know that none of this makes sense to you, but you’ve become separated from your pack and it’s only a matter of time before one of the Enemies you’re looking at realizes what you are (assuming the autofind feature isn’t just tagging someone who cut you off in traffic).

Alistair