predicting the future | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

I was sitting on the bus on the way home and the man standing near the front looked at me. I saw a shadow shifting about his face – as if it was under his skin. It was dark and fast-moving, like smoke before the wind. Then he looked away. When we reached the stop, he slipped getting out of the bus and fell a few feet onto the sidewalk. He died instantly. Just yesterday I was in the hospital getting a general examination when I passed a woman in the hall who had the same flickering shadow caressing her face. She was dead before I could leave the building. This morning though, I saw that same shadow on the face of a young boy about to cross the street. I ran forward, grabbed him and held him tight. Moments later a car careened through the crosswalk and the moment it did so, there was a bright flash of color in the boy’s cheeks and the shadow disappeared. I can save people, Alistair. How do I best employ this gift?

Seeing Destiny in Tipperary

Destiny,

One word: Blackmail. It’ll take a few sacrificial lambs to prove your point, but people will get the idea. You could also be the next big thing in bodyguards. A word of advice, though: Carry a mirror.

Alistair

Alistair,

I just got a new TV off of Craigslist. It works pretty well, but it keeps switching itself to a weird version of the Weather Channel. It’s always reporting natural disasters happening all over the place, even when there aren’t actually any happening. If I turn it off, it flicks itself on in the middle of the night and starts showing hurricanes and earthquakes. The repairman can’t figure it out. Any tips?

Staticy in Fort Worth

Staticy,

You know when something terrible happens and you get a call from a close friend or family member who says: “Yo Staticy! Turn on your TV right now! Just do it!” and then it turns out that something catastrophic is happening like a war is starting or they just euthanized Hsing-Hsing the Panda? It’s important to note that all over the world, within the space of an hour, every single television and radio is focused on this one, single event. This tradition will presumably carry on into the future and the combined worldwide concentration of energy is sending a TV signal back through time that your set is receiving. To prove or disprove this theory, keep a strict record of all the apparently fictional disasters you see reported on this TV. Then see if any of them come true in the future. If and when they do, try to find a pattern so that you can accurately predict calamities. Then become a superhero.

Alistair