Monthly Archives: October 2021

Staticy

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Alistair, 

I just got a new TV off of Craigslist. It works pretty well, but it keeps switching itself  to a weird version of the Weather Channel. It’s always reporting natural disasters happening all over the place, even when there aren’t actually any happening. If I turn it off, it flicks itself on in the middle of the night and starts showing hurricanes and earthquakes.  The repairman can’t figure it out. Any tips? 

Staticy in Fort Worth 

Staticy, 

You know when something terrible happens and you get a call from a close friend or family member who says: “Yo Staticy! Turn on your TV right now! Just do it!” and then it turns out that something catastrophic is happening like a war is starting or they just euthanized Hsing-Hsing the Panda? It’s important to note that all over the world, within the space of an hour, every single television and radio is focused on this one, single event. This tradition will presumably carry on into the future and the combined worldwide concentration of energy is sending a TV signal back through time that your set is receiving. To prove or disprove this theory, keep a strict record of all the apparently fictional disasters you see reported on this TV. Then see if any of them come true in the future. If and when they do, try to find a pattern so that you can accurately predict calamities. Then become a superhero. 

Alistair

Walking

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Alistair, 

I’ve taken the bus to work for the past ten years. Lately, though, it’s all been going screwy. The regular bus is gone and the only one to come around is “Number 616,” no  matter what stop I get on at. The driver hasn’t got any eyes (not blindfolded or anything. Just black circles) and the passengers all look ghostly. Obviously I’ve been walking – and getting into work late. 

Last week, my friend got hit by a car. Two days later, I met him at my bus stop reading a  newspaper. When 616 showed up, he put his newspaper under his arm and asked if I was coming. I pointed out that that was a terrible idea. He didn’t think so and boarded the bus. I got to work late again. 

I’m a little worried about my friend. Would I be a worrywart or annoying to call and see how he’s doing? 

Walking in Wichita 

Walking, 

Your friend is dead. So… You could call, I guess, but only in a tragic, it’s-therapeutic-to-say-goodbye-even-if-you-know-he’s-gone kind of way. Up to you.

On the plus side, chances are good that the only reason Bus 616 was disrupting your commute was that it was waiting for your friend. Now that he’s finally boarded, your regular bus should be back. So there’s no need to buy a bicycle. Yay?

Alistair

Generous

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Alistair, 

I just received an email from – wait for it – a deposed Nigerian prince. How amazing is that? He actually got my email and is offering me a chance to help fund his return to power! How much do you think is too much to give? 

Feeling Generous in Minnesota  

Generous, 

Trick question. More money now is more power later. Do the math and ask yourself: How much power is too much? 

Alistair

Stumped

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Alistair, 

What does ADGILKESS stand for? 

Stumped in NYC, NY 

Stumped, 

Though used in English, the letters don’t stand for English words, as with RSVP. Roughly translated, it means that the party loves you, but cannot pursue this love as (feminine syntax here) her father still demands the money you owe him, although he’d consider giving approval if you pay up before Ivan visits tomorrow evening. Russians aren’t noted for romance, wrongly so. 

Alistair