Alistair,

An alien crash-landed in my backyard a couple months ago. I tucked him away into a closet and have been feeding him and nursing him back to health. I’ve also been hiding this from my entire family, as I’m worried the government will experiment on him. It’s starting to take a toll. My wife thinks that I’m having an affair, and I can’t explain since I’ve overcommitted. How do I undo this disaster?

Web of Mistruths in Lutsk

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Web of Mistruths,

My sympathy here lies with the alien. It must really suck to (1) crash your spaceship, (2) get locked up in a closet indefinitely, (3) rely on a paranoid egotist for sustenance and care and (4) have to listen to this guy and his wife arguing incoherently all the time.

If we’re being honest, your wife is probably well aware of the alien. What are the chances that she simply hasn’t looked in that particular closet recently? That she hasn’t heard weird noises, smelled weird smells or seen weird things? You have an alien in the house. Of course she knows. Chances are, she only accused you of having an affair because she hoped that, faced with the comparatively weighty accusation of infidelity, you would readily admit to the fairly innocent act of rehabilitating an alien in secret.

On the plus side, regardless of your antics, the relationship has probably had a dose of reality and honesty that she’ll have to cope with.

As for the alien, if he’s mobile, let him go. That’s an adult being you’ve got sequestered away.

Alistair