Tag Archives: alien

Web of Mistruths

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Alistair,

An alien crash-landed in my backyard a couple months ago. I tucked him away into a closet and have been feeding him and nursing him back to health. I’ve also been hiding this from my entire family, as I’m worried the government will experiment on him. It’s starting to take a toll. My wife thinks that I’m having an affair, and I can’t explain since I’ve overcommitted. How do I undo this disaster?

Web of Mistruths in Lutsk

Web of Mistruths,

My sympathy here lies with the alien. It must really suck to (1) crash your spaceship, (2) get locked up in a closet indefinitely, (3) rely on a paranoid egotist for sustenance and care and (4) have to listen to this guy and his wife arguing incoherently all the time.

If we’re being honest, your wife is probably well aware of the alien. What are the chances that she simply hasn’t looked in that particular closet recently? That she hasn’t heard weird noises, smelled weird smells or seen weird things? You have an alien in the house. Of course she knows. Chances are, she only accused you of having an affair because she hoped that, faced with the comparatively weighty accusation of infidelity, you would readily admit to the fairly innocent act of rehabilitating an alien in secret.

On the plus side, regardless of your antics, the relationship has probably had a dose of reality and honesty that she’ll have to cope with.

As for the alien, if he’s mobile, let him go. That’s an adult being you’ve got sequestered away.

Alistair

Tut

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Alistair,

In a recent investigation in a pyramid, I found a hidden door, marked with symbols that translated to “Keep out – My rooms – No girls allowed”. When I opened it, I found a collection of greenish-gray creatures with big eyes that were totally dark and didn’t have any eyelids. They were bending over a sarcophagus, and when they saw me, they just stared. We stood there for like fifteen seconds, and then one of them came over and slowly closed the door without saying anything or blinking. Once they closed it, I could hear them whispering to each other.

What should I do? Should I inform the head of the dig? Is this bad?

Tut in Southern Egypt

Tut,

Have you tried knocking? I mean this in the most sarcastic, dismissive way possible. If you keep blundering through places that don’t belong to you expecting the inhabitants to be long dead it’s really only a matter of time until you, in error, stumble on someone who has yet to be this way. While the traditional method in these circumstances is to hasten their progress to such a state, that seems rude at best. I’d advise that you apologize but in point of fact I wouldn’t want to hear someone robbing my house apologize as much as I’d want them to beat a hasty retreat.

Alternatively, you may have stumbled into a rival group of archaeologists/anthropologists/grave robbers, albeit with a broader level of interest than yourself. In that case, it’s more or less a free-for-all.

Alistair 

Prophetic

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Alistair,

I was contacted by an alien, someone with a green tint to the skin and technology that absolutely looked like magic. He told me that he was, among other things, the loose inspiration for the god known as Zeus. Shortly after that, I was contacted by an older man who looked like a wisp of fabric who said he was Zeus. And then a twelve foot tall giant who said he was Zeus. They all want me to take some sort of job promoting them, but I honestly don’t know who to go with, if any. Any advice for getting the real Zeus to stand up?

Prophetic in Georgia

Prophetic,

None of them are the real Zeus. Just trust me.

Approach their offers as you would any other set of job offers; compare compensation, perks and job satisfaction.

Alistair