Tag Archives: undead

Chocolate and Roses

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Alistair,

I’m in love with a really great girl. She’s sweet, funny and undead. Not like vampire-undead…. she’s a zombie. My question is, how does one woo a zombie?

Chocolate and Roses in Bangkok

Chocolate and Roses,

Zombies are among the few humans who truly like you for your brains. In severe cases of zombic decay, this manifests in the zombie’s desire to break your head open like a little melon and snack on your actual brain matter. In cases of minimal zombic decay, you’re basically dealing with a dead human who might as well be alive for all the difference it makes… except that they still like brains. Fortunately, they like them more in a attracted-to-intelligence sort of way rather than the going-to-kill-and-eat-you sort of way.

So until you figure out what sort of zombie you’re in love with, try your best to always look and sound clever while keeping a baseball bat handy.

Alistair

Picky

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Alistair,

Is there a way to put in requests for what kind of undead you’d like to be?

Picky People Eater in Kailua

Picky,

Yes, there absolutely are a number of forms to be filled out, though a lot of them involve stacking bones and lighting things on fire. Don’t count on anyone paying attention to them, however. Not only is there a very long waiting list for the preferred forms of undead (generally: sentient, at least marginally powerful, inhumanly attractive and typically benevolent), but the entities in charge of the assignment rarely take them into account. When they do, there’s a very high likelihood that they will instead shuttle you to the most similar form currently short-stocked, which may or may not have the specific traits that you were interested in. As with most things, your best bet is to try to put in a good word with someone in a clerical position and see if they’ll pull some strings. It’s practically guaranteed not to work, but the word ‘practically’ is included, so it’s at least worth a shot.

Alistair

Devoted

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Alistair, 

Granddad passed away a month ago. The funeral was two weeks ago. During the  funeral, he woke up. We were all surprised. For a while, everyone was happy that he’s back but… I’ve started noticing a few things – tics he didn’t have before; he never, ever sleeps; he doesn’t eat, he just pretends to; he orders weird stuff online, then takes it into the  basement and locks the door; animals run away and babies cry whenever he’s around. 

So, do I just buy him a welcome-home/birthday gift kind of deal, or what? 

Devoted Grandson in Dudley 

Devoted, 

Congratulations. You have been honoured with meeting the first of the next-gen zombie prototypes. As you can see, he is far less obvious and stupid than any zombie created to date. This has been accomplished by infecting him with a genetically-engineered zombie virus prior to his death that politely lies dormant until the host body has ceased to possess original life and does not immediately require feeding. Do not kill Granddad, or everybody will think you a sick, heinous murderer and you will be executed for your trouble. While you no doubt have a plenitude of questions at this point, I will merely answer the one question you have already provided: Unlike with the truly living, the thought is not what counts with the zombic. If it’s not something he can eat or otherwise enjoy, do not bother. Strictly sentimental gifts will not impact him the way that they’re intended to. As with most creatures of the Granddad variety, a selection of woodworking tools is your best bet.

Alistair