Stuck. Time is slow. Minute = year. Help.

Someone.

Alistair.

Help.

Statue in NYC

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Statue,

This is a fairly straightforward case of personalized time dilation. There’s a number of ways for this to occur (a curse laid by a furious wizard, accidents in experimental hydrogen colliders, and computer errors in some software used in gardening supplies wholesalers) but the end result is more or less the same. There are essentially two approaches to fixing the problem: Either bring your personal time dilation back in sync with that of your surroundings – a notoriously difficult affair and easy to overshoot, which can leave you stranded hundreds of years into the future where newcomers die from superviruses and roving bands of motorcyclists – or to drag the rest of the universe back, which is much easier to do as there’s a characteristic full body-soul-and-mind clicking sensation when the two are in sync. It has been described as, “in some ways, not unpleasant. In more ways, profoundly unpleasant”.

Given that there are few wizards with the necessary irritation and power sources to curse the entire universe, and very few bits of the universe fit into a hydrogen collider at at a time, your best bet is to propagate HOMEANDGARDINS (sic) PRO EDITION through as many retail sites as possible and hope for the best/worst. Fortunately, the install wizard is very quick, which is a prime concern right now.

Alistair