portal | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

Last weekend, it finally happened. I met the love of my life. He’s funny, gorgeous, and hard working. The only hitch is that he occasionally has to go home, to the dimension Kysagoh’as. How do you keep the spark alive when the other person is out of contact?

Happily Ever After in Newark

Happily,

With some inter-dimensional portal models, you can mod out the relative time conductor so he will only be gone for a couple of hours in your time, regardless of how long he might be in Kysagoh’as. The one downside to this is that he will still have to deal with missing you for the duration of his stay in his home-dimension. Also, you have to realize that you’re essentially pausing your life while he continues to live his own to avoid being without him. A touching notion, but not necessarily a healthy one relationship-wise.

Try phone calls.

Alistair

Alistair,

This morning a man came crawling out of my microwave. I saw it happen. It was real. I asked him how he got in there and all he said was: “What’s important is that I got out! I never thought I would!” and then he sprinted out of my house, straight through a screen door. Since then, this has happened eleven more times with eleven different total strangers. At this point, I’ve actually just taken to leaving my door open to avoid further damage being done to it. So… What the actual dickens is going on right now?

Buying a Toaster Oven in Vermont

Buying,

This is a known problem with a certain model of microwave produced in a specific South Asian factory that was eventually shut down. A particular design of the cavity magnetron accidentally linked the main chamber to that of a side-dimensional shunt, most commonly used as a prison cell. The fleeing characters are the convicted escaping out through the hole. There’s probably an enormous reward on their heads; don’t try to collect it. Odds are, you’ll be the main attraction in a particularly unsettling crime scene. I suggest that you simply dispose of the microwave in the safest possible manner. For instance, drop it into the deepest river you can find, or the main tank of a nuclear power station.

Alistair