Alistair,

This morning a man came crawling out of my microwave. I saw it happen. It was real. I asked him how he got in there and all he said was: “What’s important is that I got out! I never thought I would!” and then he sprinted out of my house, straight through a screen door. Since then, this has happened eleven more times with eleven different total strangers. At this point, I’ve actually just taken to leaving my door open to avoid further damage being done to it. So… What the actual dickens is going on right now?

Buying a Toaster Oven in Vermont

Buying,

This is a known problem with a certain model of Whirlpool microwaves. A particular design of the cavity magnetron accidentally linked the main chamber to that of a side-dimensional shunt, most commonly used as a prison cell. The fleeing characters are the convicted escaping out through the hole. There’s probably an enormous reward on their heads; don’t try to collect it. Odds are, you’ll be the main attraction in a particularly unsettling crime scene. I suggest that you simply dispose of the microwave in the safest possible manner. For instance, drop it into the deepest river you can find, or the main tank of a nuclear power station.

Alistair