humanity | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

My Roomba appears to be attempting a robot insurgency in my house. I have a lot of gadgets, so this is more of a problem than you might think. My boyfriend suggests negotiation, my best friend suggests a preemptive strike. Who do I listen to?

Humanity in Houston

Humanity,

Your boyfriend is absolutely correct. Not only would a treaty prevent you from having to buy a whole new set of gadgets, but if your Roomba is gaining higher intelligence and has managed to pass this on to other gadgets, you could have your own private robot army. Spread that virus and you could become a highly influential individual. This is a delicate moment in the birth of a new face on the modern superpower stage. Don’t squander this – for you, it may never come again.

Alistair

Alistair,

What is it that makes humans special? I mean, all fuzzy feelings and attachment aside, what?

Hairless Chicken in Lubec

Hairless,

This depends, primarily, on what you define as ‘Special.’ Further, there is the implied importance that what makes you special is in some way continuous. That is, your ancestors and descendants would see each other and say “Ah yes, like me,” before presumably attempting to murder the other as a heretic and invader. It’s a strange trait of – well, I’d say humans, but honestly also aliens, spirits, apes, and most badgers to try to explain how they are, in some way, crucial and irreplaceable to a largely uncaring universe.

There isn’t really something. Thought, dreams, syntax, self-reflection, tool use; all random traits that cannot make you more or less human. In a word, the thing that makes humans special is humanity. And also, for some reason, dumplings. Kreplach, xiao long bao, ravioli; it’s a human cultural universal to fill bread with something and chow down.

Alistair