Cloak and Dagger

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Alistair,

I’m a member of a secret society (you’ll see in a moment why that isn’t a terribly ironic thing to say). I just found out that there’s at least sixteen different ones, all of them working at random cross-purposes. It strikes me that this isn’t exactly efficient, and I get the feeling that all of these random power grabs leave us exactly where we were before. I suppose what I’m asking is: Do I need to found a super-organization with its fingers in everyone’s pie?

Cloak and Dagger in Nottingham

Cloak and Dagger,

Do you need to? Obviously not. 

Should you? Still no. Very dangerous.

Could you? Theoretically.  Assuming that you’re willing to assume the risk, you could conceivably become the most powerful person alive.

A word to the wise: Almost every attempt to consolidate power has been doomed to a brutal overthrow from the outset. See: The Roman Empire; Alexander the Great; Napoleon Bonaparte; Google LLC; The United Djinn Confederacy; etc. One of the most reliable laws of nature is that people will choose any fate over the indignity of being “consolidated”. 

Trust me on this one.

Alistair

Concerned

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Alistair,

What can you tell me about the mysterious black building that appeared at opposite sides of the world simultaneously?

Concerned in Auckland

Concerned,

All I can tell you about these buildings is that you shouldn’t be concerned. Not even when you notice a lot of gorillas using them. Not even when you see one of the buildings hovering over a cotton candy factory. Only know this, Concerned: Our world is going places. Literally.

Alistair

Happily

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Alistair,

Last weekend, it finally happened. I met the love of my life. He’s funny, gorgeous, and hard working. The only hitch is that he occasionally has to go home, to the dimension Kysagoh’as. How do you keep the spark alive when the other person is out of contact?

Happily Ever After in Newark

Happily,

With some inter-dimensional portal models, you can mod out the relative time conductor so he will only be gone for a couple of hours in your time, regardless of how long he might be in Kysagoh’as. The one downside to this is that he will still have to deal with missing you for the duration of his stay in his home-dimension. Also, you have to realize that you’re essentially pausing your life while he continues to live his own to avoid being without him. A touching notion, but not necessarily a healthy one relationship-wise.

Try phone calls.

Alistair

Panicking

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Alistair,

I’m a single man who has never been in a serious relationship with a woman. All of a sudden there is a very pretty lady at my work who is expressing a lot of interest in me. I want to think it’s real, but I’m pretty sure that she’s just an assassin hired to off me before I can complete my MEGA MILLIONS Jackpot algorithm. Do I believe her, or do I assume she’s trying to kill me?

Panicking in the Ozarks

Panicking,

As a good rule of thumb, always assume romantic interests are attempting to kill you. It’s far better to take the initiative and have a whirlwind romance now while keeping your escape route open than it is to go slowly only to be disappointed in both life and love when the assassination comes. Calculate your risk. I have to assume that you’re quite good at this now, although if we’re perfectly honest your “Lottery Beating System” would probably be lost in the endless noise of Psychics and wishful math majors who have the system cracked; they really mean it this time.

Alistair

Harried

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Alistair,

Should we be worried about the portents going around? Plagues of locusts, darkness covering the face of the earth, inhuman screams from within the bowels of the deep. I mean, it’s a bit worrisome, but my Mom is making a huge deal out of it. If I don’t calm her down, I’m gonna lose it.

Harried Son in San Diego

Harried,

Yes, it is a huge deal. Yes, these screams from the deep’s bowels are actual portents and not just passing moments of screaming bowel. Yes, these are signs that at any moment now the world will end. Important detail: You can’t actually do anything about it. Whether the world ends in a week, a century or before you can even read this response, it really doesn’t matter whether you know about it. When it’s time, it’s time; every moment that you live is a moment when it isn’t yet time. Say your prayers and eat as many Fruit Loops as you can because those adorable little rings are not making it into Heaven.

Alistair

Digging

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Alistair,

I was going through Grandma’s old stuff and found a weird book in the attic. It’s in a foreign language (Cyrillic alphabet, according to Wikipedia, but with a lot of extra squiggles). Is reading it out loud to see what happens OK? It’s just that I get kind of light-headed when I do, and the next thing I know, it’s a few hours later and the apartment is all messed up.

Digging Around in South Carolina

Digging,

In your case, I’d say go right ahead, but proceed with caution. I cannot emphasize this enough. Take baby steps, Dramamine, and notes. Use a video camera in a secure mount to review your performance after each reading. Keep your eyes peeled for negative side effects, such as thinning hair, unusual protrusions of your tailbone, or peeling eyes.

Alistair

Blank-Eyed

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Alistair,

I may have lost my soul recently. There was this series of events, you see. How can I tell if it’s really what happened, and where do I get a new one?

Blank-Eyed in London, Wyoming

Blank-Eyed,

Some people recommend that in this situation you should test your conscience to see if it’s still functioning. However, this is not a safe way to evaluate the presence/absence of your soul. Firstly, the conscience-testing method requires that you commit a heinous crime and then check to see if you’re experiencing guilt. Besides the obvious social and legal ramifications, the method is not completely accurate (psychopaths might assume they are soulless and in rare cases some people who have had their souls abstracted will experience pangs of discomfort not unlike those produced by a conscience due to well-entrenched neural pathways). Instead, I recommend safely inducing a near-death state. If you are with soul, you should experience an ethereal sensation where you feel your soul pulling away from its physical bonds. If you are soulless, you should simply feel very nearly dead.

There are no proven, safe or legal options for replacing an abstracted soul. Your only hope is to catch up with your original disembodied soul and make it an offer it can’t refuse.

Alistair

Humanity

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Alistair,

My Roomba appears to be attempting a robot insurgency in my house. I have a lot of gadgets, so this is more of a problem than you might think. My boyfriend suggests negotiation, my best friend suggests a preemptive strike. Who do I listen to?

Humanity in Houston

Humanity,

Your boyfriend is absolutely correct. Not only would a treaty prevent you from having to buy a whole new set of gadgets, but if your Roomba is gaining higher intelligence and has managed to pass this on to other gadgets, you could have your own private robot army. Spread that virus and you could become a highly influential individual. This is a delicate moment in the birth of a new face on the modern superpower stage. Don’t squander this – for you, it may never come again.

Alistair

Second Sight

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Alistair,

A friend of mine in the bleeding edge computer industry introduced me to “The Machine.” He says it can analyze enormous amounts of data and constants and extrapolate to predict future actions with near-perfect accuracy. He gave me a reading last week. There were so many explosions, and car crashes, and Russians. What do I do?

Second Sight in SoCal

Second Sight,

Algorithmic Timeline Extrapolation. One of the fundamental weaknesses of this theoretical field is its vulnerability to the dimensions of time itself. Basically, you may have explosions, rolling autos and Russians in your future based on what actions you have currently executed, but that could all happen in forty years. Or tomorrow. The ATE computer can’t differentiate. It just knows that, based on what actions you have executed at this point in your timeline (assuming that your entry was complete and accurate), sometime in your future, you will be introduced to those elements. However, every day contains 86,400 seconds. You can change the contents of your future right now by engaging in different actions. To quote the great and revered philosopher of yore: “The future revolves around you, here, now, so do good.”

Also, learn Russian.

Alistair

Usurped

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Alistair,

I have a great life – a job I love, a girlfriend I love, a tasteful apartment I love – but there’s one catch. Jeff is stealing it. Jeff is this random dude who just moved into my apartment and started taking over my life. I don’t know who he is or how he does it, but he just gracefully assumes my every role. Weirdly, although he looks nothing like me, everybody now thinks that he is the real me and I’m just a stranger. I went to work and found him in my cubicle scoring facetime with my boss who, by the way, asked me who I was and what I wanted before having me escorted from the building. This morning I walked in on Jeff whispering and giggling with my girlfriend. She called him by her pet name for me and asked why he hadn’t told her that he was having guests. Jeff said: “Honestly, hon, I have no idea who this guy is. He just showed up and started living here. I haven’t had the chance to change the locks yet.” Alistair, what’s happening?

Usurped in Kanata

Usurped

It sounds like you may have slid into an alternate universe while you weren’t looking. Contrary to popular belief, that doesn’t necessarily boot out your alternate self, it merely moves you to the corresponding part of the new universe.

Throw your mind back to the events immediately preceding the appearance of Jeff. If there were any visits to particle accelerators, nuclear plants, or sleep study labs, things should have an obvious path of procedure. If not, simply recreate a period of two weeks in as close detail as possible.

When you do slide to another universe, assess the situation. Does the local version of Usurped resemble you? If not, move on. If yes, remain. He is either there (in which case, see my comments on Doppelgangers), or he conveniently vanished a short while ago (in which case he is cycling through an enormous number of possible existences and won’t bother you anymore).

On the other hand, you may simply be losing your mind or being erased from public consciousness. In that case, assault Jeff for free housing and medical care.

Alistair