Alistair,

I recently bought a used 1981 Ford Crown Victoria. It’s in decent condition, but I think it’s possessed. It’s never where I parked it, it waits for me alarmingly close to the door, and it tried to push me into a pool one time. What should I do?

Wrenched in New Orleans

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Wrenched,

Clearly, your vehicle has what we in the Clever Person Industry call “Tsukumogami” which is what happens when life is born into something artificial. Please try to remember that your car now has a personality. Try to make friends with him/her/it. Buy flowers, keep the vehicle well-maintained, and go to drive-in movies as often as you can afford. If this does not work, establish your dominance by breaking in the Vic’s headlights with a tire-iron and yelling at the car in your deepest voice. Ignore the neighbors. They only wish they could yell with such a bass timbre.

Alistair