I have recently undertaken a great adventure in search of an item of unfathomable power in the name of my honoured queen. It so happens that the legend I was told as a mere babe is true; there is a Guardian. I was not prepared for such an adversary. Naturally, I quickly asked Yahoo Answers for advice. That was a waste of time and my left arm. I trust that you can give me more profitable counsel. 

I believe this thing is some sort of prehistoric demigod (Twenty-nine heads, three feet, lizard tongue, etc.). What can you offer by way of strategy? Possibly before he – or she; haven’t had the opportunity to ask – takes me as his/her/its supper.

Now Right-Handed in The London Underground


This letter arrived on a weekend while I was in Cancun, so you’ve probably been messily devoured since writing. In case you haven’t, and for those of our readers attempting similar feats, here’s a brief list of first principles:

If the massive wealth of treasure you were told of as a callow youth is still where the legends dictate that it lies, there’s likely an excellent reason that it’s still there. 

Slaying ancient gods and guardians typically requires whatever it is you’re trying to get in the first place; obvious problems present themselves. 

More generally, power is nothing special; powerful artifacts, ancient superweapons, and dirty bombs all give leverage (the problem, incidentally, is that exact principle applies to everyone else). 

If your queen can’t fetch it out herself, there’s no reason for you to go risking your neck so that an unappreciative overlord can have great power. In fact, there’s a decent amount of precedence for the idea that if you can acquire the item of legend, then you are the person intended to possess/wield it. Think about that for a heartbeat. 

Just a theory: Have you considered that you may have been given this assignment – seeking a legendary weapon hidden behind an immensely powerful creature while armed with nothing more than a webpage for fools seeking the advice of their peers – as an elaborate way for your monarch to get relief from a likely insufferable personality?

Finally, don’t use Yahoo Answers, you imbecile. Not when Reddit is a thing.