Alistair,

My spaniel Samuel is speaking Spanish. He does not woof, growl, or bark. When I call for him, he says “si senor” and then comes running. He also shows signs of holding an Inquisition among the other dogs of the neighborhood.

What is wrong with him?

Not Torquemada in Kitchissippi

---

Not Torquemada,

Animals don’t generally stray into human language. There are three possible solutions that present themselves.

You’ve most likely got a straightforward possession on your hands. Just throw some salt around the dog and chant in Latin. If that doesn’t work, throw salt around yourself, then remind the spirit that it is residing in a dog; that is, one of the foremost unclean animals. It’s pretty important that you first build your defensive salt circle, otherwise the spirit may immediately find a more suitable host…a host less unclean… more to its liking… less Spaniel, more Spaniard… what I’m trying to convey is that it will possess you.

It’s also possible that somebody has been doing experiments with your animal, a la Dr. Moreau. Check for surgical scars about his head, throat and the roof of his mouth.

If neither of those options bear fruit, consider the possibility that he may not be a dog. Or at least, he is a dog, but may be more essentially jinn. If this is the case, I recommend explaining to your dog that you must kill him because you think he is possessed. Proceed as if you’re really going to do it – getting out some instrument of execution and fondly preparing him a final meal. If jinn, he will probably reveal his true identity just before you would off him and beg for his life. Or unveil his true form, leaving you blinded by horror.

Alistair