Alistair, 

A dragon has laid eggs the size of golf carts in my backyard. I am not looking forward to when they hatch and there are baby dragons running about destroying my  valuable property. On the other hand, I daren’t touch the eggs because their mother is approximately three times the size of your average lorry. What is a clever way to resolve this unfortunate situation? 

Not Amused at Balmoral 

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Not Amused, 

Ah, dragons. Irritating, and you can’t find a good exterminator to take care of them no matter how hard you look. There used to be a chain, but there was an accident and the lawsuits put them out of business. 

The first step to DIY dragon slaying is to determine the type of dragon you have. If it’s an eastern dragon (distinguished by feathers, snaky bodies, and being impossibly ancient creatures with mysterious origins and incredible power) you’ll just have to wait for them to leave on their own. You probably have western dragons, given your location. Check for scales, wings, and characteristic reptilian appearance. 

If you do have western dragons, get yourself a suit of armor. Cover it in cloth and take it out into the yard. Remove the cloth and run like a furious dragon is about to begin indiscriminate slaughter. The mother will probably attempt to torch the armor – if you’ve set it up properly, it won’t fall over and she’ll attempt to melt it. You have about twenty seconds to move the eggs. It’s a little known fact that dragons expect the eggs to remain exactly where they lay, and moving them even six feet will cause the mother to abandon them after a short period. You can then poach them at your leisure. 

Alistair