Alistair, 

Yesterday my roommate left her cell on the coffee table and for a prank, I started  texting with one of her friends. The conversation took a startling twist when I discovered  that this roommate of mine had apparently made plans with this friend of hers to sacrifice me to some Babylonian god named Damkina. The worst part is that my roommate walked in on me using her phone and discovered what I had seen. Now she’s extremely indignant that I violated her privacy. How can I make things right with her while still making it clear that sacrificing me is not an option? 

Walking on Eggshells in Damascus 

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Eggshells, 

Sit her down in a cafe or park; somewhere neutral and public enough that she won’t make a scene. Explain gently and firmly that you are sorry for looking through her phone, but that you still can’t abide being sacrificed. You have your own business, etcetera etcetera. 

If she remains steadfast, just get in touch with Damkina and lay it out. The dear old thing is very progressive these days and would probably be more than a little alarmed to find that anybody was planning a blood sacrifice. She’ll deescalate the situation faster than an Enya song at a rave.

Alistair