suspicious | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

I just started a new job. It’s OK, nothing really stunning. The coworkers are friendly, the benefits are OK, and the basement is absolutely off-limits. This was made excessively clear to me in training, as it was repeated something like eight times in the first day. Since then, I’ve seen smoke pouring out from beneath the basement door, lights that flash, and a sound like cinder blocks being dragged across the floor. Should I be concerned?

Nosy on the Island

Nosy,

No, because the coworkers are friendly and the benefits are OK. In this age and economy, that’s reason enough to ignore any number of smoke-emitting, light-flashing, noise-making basements. Seriously, all three of those issues can be caused by nothing more concerning than the building being heated by an old-fashioned furnace – an old-fashioned furnace that runs on cinder blocks. What you don’t know might hurt you but might not. Get back to me if you notice anything actually worrying, like a really strong whiff of bananas for no apparent reason. If there’s smoke, lights, dragging noises and inexplicable banana smells, get the hell out of there.

Alistair

Alistair,

I’m a single man who has never been in a serious relationship with a woman. All of a sudden there is a very pretty lady at my work who is expressing a lot of interest in me. I want to think it’s real, but I’m pretty sure that she’s just an assassin hired to off me before I can complete my MEGA MILLIONS Jackpot algorithm. Do I believe her, or do I assume she’s trying to kill me?

Panicking in the Ozarks

Panicking,

As a good rule of thumb, always assume romantic interests are attempting to kill you. It’s far better to take the initiative and have a whirlwind romance now while keeping your escape route open than it is to go slowly only to be disappointed in both life and love when the assassination comes. Calculate your risk. I have to assume that you’re quite good at this now, although if we’re perfectly honest your “Lottery Beating System” would probably be lost in the endless noise of Psychics and wishful math majors who have the system cracked; they really mean it this time.

Alistair