ascension | Ask Alistair

Alistair,

A while ago, I accepted an invitation to join a small group of men seeking to be elevated to the status of divine. As one of the requirements, I was to renounce mortal pleasure. I’m starting to rethink that, though, as there’s a few mortal pleasures that I really underestimated. What’s the best way to decide, especially given that I’ll have to spend the rest of my life on the run from the brotherhood?

Missing Life in Bangkok

Missing,

The key here is: what mortal pleasures are you missing? Is it love? Because believe me, that’s not worth falling out of the ascension bandwagon. If, on the other hand, what you miss is canned whipped cream, let’s be perfectly honest: What’s the point in living forever if you’re forbidden the pleasure of a sugar coma?

Alistair

P.S. I recommend avoiding sugar comas while you’re on the run. Secretive brotherhoods are notorious for showing up at inopportune times.

Alistair,

I’ve found and conducted an ascension rite, elevating me to the status of a deity. It turns out, though, that taking proper precautions waters down the effect. Rather than being a physical avatar of some universal constant, it turns out that I’m all-powerful only as long as I’m affecting the third copy of forms printed in triplicate.

Now what?

Small God in Quebec

Small God,

Well, as far as human beings go, you do have a superpower, so that puts you in the 4% of humans who can do physically impossible crap… it makes you special. However, you aren’t human anymore. You’re a deity. As deities go, you suck. Not only are your powers fairly limited, but with the rapidly digitizing trend of our increasingly paperless world, your powers are only going to decrease in scope of usefulness.

Here’s the pro tip. Don’t tell anyone you’re a god. Just be a human who has a cool talent. The people who care what happens on the third copy of forms printed in triplicate will find you quite impressive.

Alistair