Dear Alistair,

My wife and I have recently been trying to conceive. One evening, I dreamed about a five-dimensional child unfolding itself and rolling toward me, screeching “Daddy!!!” with a thousand distended, toothless maws. A few weeks later, a routine pregnancy test showed a blood-red pentagram instead of the standard two bars. My wife has had inexplicable base cravings and every dream I’ve had since has been suffused with blood and the screams of the damned.

I guess my question is: what’s your stance on breastfeeding? It seems like a really controversial topic and my wife and I can’t really get a straight answer on the internet. Any help would be appreciated.

Expecting in Montana


First off, I think that it’s worth pointing out that your spawn-child hasn’t even arrived yet and you’re already forgetting to enjoy the moment. Now’s a good time to set a pattern of enjoying – not stressing – your kid. Everyone will benefit.

For your average two-bar baby, formula versus breastfeeding is an entire conversation. There’s a Nature Knows Best Camp, an It Doesn’t Make A Lick Of Difference Camp and I’ve heard that there’s some third option; I, personally, could not care less. Decisions like that do not ultimately determine the sort of person/entity your offspring will end up being. Especially, as in your case, if said offspring is as much hellspawn as youspawn.

I suggest that you follow the same rule that you would follow for a weapon: don’t point the muzzle(s) at anything you don’t want destroyed.