Glad I’m Not a Dad


Since I was young I have only ever dreamed on a very rare basis. I do not feel shortchanged, however, because my dreams – though simple and infrequent – have all come true. When I was ten, I dreamed that our dog would be hit be a falling airplane part and the next day, Peaches was crushed by landing gear. When I was twelve, I dreamed that I would win a spelling bee that I was entering, and two weeks later, I did exactly that. When I was fifteen, I dreamed that my brother would become unemployable, and that very weekend he got a neck tattoo. Two years ago, I made a fortune by buying low-key stocks that spiked shortly thereafter, making that decision based on a dream. Last night though… last night I dreamed that my wife is actually a killer android sent from the future to bear my child and then kill me like a psychotic, blond praying mantis. Do I assume that this is just an ordinary dream (such as normal people have, where outlandish events transpire that have no bearing on reality) or. . . What do I do, Alistair?

Glad I’m Not a Dad in Pontycymer


Glad I’m Not a Dad,

The phrasing of your question implies that you believe this last dream to be somehow on a different scale of plausibility from the others. It’s not as though backstabbing females are a groundbreaking concept. It’s also not as though pseudo-females are brand-new territory.

You seem to have abandoned the main detail inside your question: Why the dickens would anyone want your child? Is there a family prophecy? Latent genetic abilities? Just a general lack of average humans in the future? In short, what you need to do is find a reasonable substitute. There’s no shortage of Prophesied Ones, powerful individuals, or – by definition – average schmucks. Someone, somewhere, would be thrilled to sire a child with a robot who then killed them. It takes all sorts to make the world go ’round. Apparently.