Helmet-Wearing

Alistair,

The company I work for just hired a survivor of that zombie outbreak that happened earlier this year. He’s apparently been certified 100% virus freed and we hired him on a re-assimilation program where the company gets kickbacks for his hire. I love the spirit of the thing – I mean, the guy was . . . is a person and this is the least we can do after all that he’s been through. But still. The decay-reversal process is super slow and even once I get past the fact that he stinks and occasionally has to put his eyeballs back in when they fall out, it’s hard to ignore the fact that he spends his entire shift Googling images of human brains and muttering to himself in a gravelly, melancholy way while gazing at my head.

I said something to HR about maybe rotating his desk position so that I don’t have to ALWAYS be sitting next to him and I’ve now been flagged for discriminatory behavior. Am I being a terrible person here, or is my discomfort justified?

Helmet-Wearing in Swindon

Helmet-wearing,

You are, in the end, being a terrible person. You file him under “that zombie outbreak” without even bothering to consider which outbreak you refer to. Are you referring to the Tokyo outbreak, the St Petersburg outbreak, either of the New York outbreaks, the Little Italy outbreak, or any of the dozen smaller outbreaks? This is a very important part of the undeceased’s identity, and you lump him in with the entire batch.

If it’s St Petersburg, though, he’s probably not cured. Run like the dickens. Or at least request a move.

Alistair