Hero Watching


A superhero just came to town. Seriously, he’s awesome. Guy broods on top of buildings, breaks up robberies and muggings, sometimes makes PSAs on TV. Really, I feel like he’s wasted here. Nothing but small-time crooks and the occasional local gang. Any advice on how to get the local criminals to step up their game?

Hero Watching in the Twin Cities

Hero Watching,

Your community spirit is commendable. While currying crime seems like an automatic no-no, one has to ask the following questions: “What if he leaves our town in search of greater challenges and we subsequently become victim to the previously-suppressed lowlife of our wee town?” Yes, ask that question. Now drum up some headlines. There is a formula for crime: (ordinance outlawing certain behavior) + (significant profit from said behavior) + (reasonable opportunity to realize such behavior) = Crime. Obviously drug trafficking is a good candidate for creating crime for the sake of creating crime, as it is always illegal and always profitable. To increase the third factor (opportunity), produce PCP in your basement and leave boxes of the product in random locations all over town. Just hope that this hero doesn’t ingeniously track the spike in drug presence back to you somehow and cause you to be imprisoned.