Blank-eyed

Alistair,

I may have lost my soul recently. There was this series of events, you see. How can I tell if it’s really what happened, and where do I get a new one?

Blank-eyed in London, Wyoming

Blank-eyed,

Some people recommend that in this situation you should test your conscience to see if it’s still functioning. However, this is not a safe way to evaluate the presence/absence of your soul. Firstly, the conscience-testing method requires that you commit a heinous crime and then check to see if you’re experience guilt. Besides the obvious social and legal ramifications, the method is not completely accurate (sociopaths might assume they are soulless and in rare cases some people who have had their souls abstracted will experience pangs of discomfort not unlike those produced by a conscience due to well-entrenched neural pathways). Instead, I recommend safely inducing a near-death state. If you are with soul, you should experience an ethereal sensation where you feel your soul pulling away from its physical bonds. If you are soulless, you should simply feel very nearly dead.

There is no proven, safe or legal options for replacing an abstracted soul. Your only hope is to catch up with your original disembodied soul and make it an offer it can’t refuse.

Alistair