Wrenched

Alistair,

I recently bought a used 1981 Ford Crown Victoria. It’s in decent condition, but I think it’s possessed. It’s never where I parked it, it waits for me alarmingly close to the door, and it tried to push me into a pool one time. What should I do?

Wrenched in New Orleans

Wrenched,

Clearly, your vehicle has what we in the Clever Person Industry call “Tsukumogami” which is what happens when life is born into something mechanical. Please try to remember that your car now has a personality. Try to make friends with him/her/it. Buy flowers, keep the vehicle well-maintained, and go to drive-in movies as often as you can afford. If this does not work, establish your dominance by breaking in the Vic’s headlights with a tire-iron and yelling at the car in your deepest voice. Ignore the neighbors. They only wish they could yell with such a bass timbre.

Alistair

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s