Garlic

Alistair,

I am suspicious that my neighbor is a vampire. Is there something I should do?

Garlic in Virginia

Garlic,

There are many myths about vampires that are very popular. Don’t bother shining lights in his eyes, making the sign of the cross, or asking him to check his reflection in the mirror. While these recorded symptoms of the vampiric virus have been shown to be legitimate, they are not consistent. The only thing you can be sure about is that he needs blood.

To establish this, take a basin of blood (any sort at all), wait until your neighbor is out, then pour it across his lawn. When he arrives, he’ll examine it (if he doesn’t, use more blood). As he examines it, note the number of times he tastes it and how much he seems to enjoy the experience. If he never examines it after raising the total amount to anything measurable in gallons, he’s either hopelessly oblivious or intimately familiar with what blood poured over grass looks like, neither of which is necessarily an indication that he is a vampire.

Upon establishing these details, try asking him if he’s a vampire. He’s either planning on sucking you dry or not, and you knowing probably isn’t going to do anything but shift the timetable.

Alistair