Now Right-Handed

Dear Alistair,

I have recently undertaken a great adventure in search for an item of unfathomable power in the name of my honoured queen. It so happens that the legend I was told as a mere babe is true, there is a Guardian. I was not prepared for an event as has arisen. Naturally, I quickly asked YahooAnswers.UK for advice. That was a waste of time and my left arm. So in turn, I looked up someone with advice above that of the average lunatic’s. Your reputation appears most valid; I believe this thing is some sort of mystic God (Twenty-nine heads, three feet, lizard tongue, etc…). What can you offer by way of strategy? Possibly before he – or she; haven’t had the opportunity to ask – takes myself as his supper.

Now Right-Handed in The London Underground

Dear Right-Handed,

This letter arrived on a weekend while I was in Cancun, so you’ve probably been messily devoured since writing. In case you haven’t, and for those of our readers attempting similar feats, here’s a brief list of first principles:

If the massive wealth of treasure you were told of as a callow youth is still where the legends dictate that it lies, there’s likely an excellent reason that it’s still there. Slaying mystic gods and guardians typically require whatever it is you’re trying to get in the first place (incidentally, mechanical gods typically demand nothing more than an unfortunate wrinkle in spacetime to do them in); obvious problems present themselves.

More generally, power is nothing special; powerful artifacts, ancient superweapons, and dirty bombs all give leverage (the problem, incidentally, is that exact principle applies to everyone else). If your queen can’t fetch it out herself, there’s no reason for you to go risking your neck so that an unappreciative overlord can end up killing themselves and destroying their local economy through lack of foresight. Have you considered that you may have been given this assignment – seeking for a legendary weapon hidden behind an immensely powerful creature while armed with nothing more than a webpage for fools seeking the advice of their peers – as an elaborate way to get relief from a likely insufferable personality?

Finally, don’t use Yahoo Answers, you imbecile.

Alistair