Developing Necrophobia

Alistair,

I keep finding bodies. More accurately, I keep finding the same body on different occasions. It’s the corpse of a middle-aged, well dressed man with a long, narrow, grey, horizontally-waxed mustache. He is always smiling and always dead. He usually shows up in public washrooms, the back seat of my car or the fire exit of my tenth-storey apartment. Alarmingly, nobody believes me because he always disappears moments before anybody else can come see. I know that he’s real (and dead) because I almost always immediately check his pulse. Two question: What is going on here? How do I make it stop?

Developing Necrophobia in Alexandria

 

Dear Developing,

Typical case of post-mortem stalking. First things first, try and recall if you killed him. If you did, that answers what he wants (revenge) and what you need to do to (appease him – probably by helping him seek revenge… on yourself). If not, he’s probably just looking for a friend or patsy. The dead are notorious for a lack of social skills. Having taken his pulse so regularly, he likely assumes that you consider him a familiar acquaintance at least, so ignoring him will just offend the spirit. Don’t bother trying to explain the situation, just give him plenty of opportunity to communicate with you in a ghostly fashion: take hot showers that fog up the mirrors, eat plenty of alphabet soup, and pay attention to small children with a penchant for staring into the middle distance. He should communicate his desires quickly, once you start listening. If he wants something, try to oblige. If he doesn’t, you may just have yourself an awkward new friend for life. On the plus side, there will be a familiar face there to offer orientation when you pass on.

Alistair