The Defendant


A lawyer in the animal rights movement claims to be the chosen legal representative of my Great Dane, Daphne. I am being charged with wrongful imprisonment (for putting her in a kennel when my mother is visiting) and verbal abuse (because I described her using the technical term for a female dog). For some reason, nobody seems to recognize that the situation is ridiculous. Everybody seems to be taking these charges very seriously. This ludicrous train is gathering momentum. Alistair! How do I make it stop?

The Defendant in Santa Barbara

Dear Defendant,

Offense is your best defense. If your dog is looking for the niceties of human society, it is not unreasonable to expect human social standards of her. If Daphne is like just about every dog ever, you can make the case that your actions were justified. No doubt there were periods in her life where she saw nothing wrong with vandalizing items of your personal property through careless toilet habits. No doubt your best efforts at showing her love and respect have failed to stop her obsessive and antisocial habits including (but not limited to) her desire to roll in dead things, excrement, dead things’ excrement, dead things in excrement, etcetera; her inability to interact with other dogs in a manner that is not obscene, hostile, or both; her distressingly casual personal hygiene that is entirely unattended until you have company over at which point she becomes gratuitously, embarrassingly thorough; etc. Use your imagination.